allez les bleus

To do what you love and say what you feel. Thank you, random soccer fanatic at Montmartre, for reminding me how to be amazed by the simple things on a particularly stressful day. I absolutely love this picture.

It's so tiring to consistently write about the person you don't want to write about anymore. When you gain validation from anyone but the one you've been yearning for most. You want to throw all the numbers in their faces and scream "All of these people love me, appreciate me, understand what I'm worth. So why don't you?" It leaves such a bitter taste, as if their finger tips take on a Midas touch, turning all this ambrosia to ash, something akin to bile that doesn't stay down. You teeter on a precipice the sheer height of which you could never fathom... And yet here it is, while you stand barefoot on shards of glass. You move, trying to find purchase while shrinking back from the pain, only to be reminded anew with a fresh bout of lacerations.

I only hope they feel the same thing, the same hurt, the same constant struggle for purchase in a world that, so suddenly, dimmed. Does that make me a bad person? It certainly seems like it. The thought of that person's pain is a balm, ever so brief, that I welcome repeatedly, and I think I should feel bad, but I guess I haven't reached that level of maturity yet. I'll leave that for the future saints of the world.

I need to live for me, and I need to take that ambrosia at face value, and, pardon me, but fuck the rest. Who the hell are you to make me feel less worthy? Who are you to warp my view of myself? Because, god damn it all, I am worth it, and I'm so sorry that you haven't seen that, but I'm so bone tired of waiting around for the wool to be pulled away from your eyes.

Mommy, I love you. Thank you so much for coming to visit me, I never truly realize how much I need you until you've come and gone. I don't know what I would do without you.

Rebecca, you are the best.

"Thank you for being you -- I am grateful and blessed to have your beauty in my life. Miss you more than you know. Have a wonderful Wednesday."

That message came at the perfect time, when I didn't even know that I needed something like that. You're my best friend for a reason, many reasons, that always become evidently clear with time.

And to you, figure it out. Because, goodness, I know that I'm worth it.